Fat girl 101

Okay so last night I did something I never thought that I would do or that I never wanted to do. I stood in only a sports bra and shorts and had my photo taken. Front, back, and side! The whole damn hot mess of me was photographed. There I stood at the mercy of reality. Wondering how I got this far. How every pound added up and where will I go from here. When Shelly showed me the photos it dawned on me "OH my gawd I look like a contestant on the biggest loser!!!" Don't think omg Alison you did not because I did and when I get further in this journey and I have new pictures to compare I will prove you wrong!
These are the things I miss about being in shape and in control. 1. The ability to do a somersault, silly to some but when Sheridan asked me to do one and I struggled I was so ashamed. 2. Be able to feel true hunger , this has not happened to me since being pregnant with Sawyer maybe even before. 3.I want to control the food that I put in front of myself and my family instead of the food controlling ME!
This is a journey. I have struggled with my weight for 10 years now and I think how did I loose such control for almost ten years. I can tell you this. I know Stress triggers every opportunity for me to hit a drivethru, put mayo on a sandwich, and eat to the bottom of the bag! 9 years ago my best friend in the entire world died. I live with such guilt because 10 minutes before she died she called me, I was vacuuming, I looked at my cell and hit ignore. She was killed 10 f!#$%^ minutes later! What if I would have picked up? how would things be different if I answered. I can not explain the guilt that I carry with me. So this is where my battle with the bulge begins. Fist after fist I eat away my feelings but now I am taking control. Learning that if it is all true meaning God, it would have been her time irregardless of whether I picked up that phone. Every time I have a new stresser pop up in life(which I know I will often) I need to redirect how to deal with impulses.
So tomorrow is my first workout. I am scared, excited, and panicked. What if I have I am the worst, what if I fall, heaven forbid what if I loose control and fluff? OH sweet jesus! Let the games begin!
On a side note! Our cat disappeared. I am sad! So sad for my kids, sad for my dog, and of course I am so sad for meeee! Why is that the girl who couldn't stand cats falls head over heals with this cat! Alright Sheridan is up and it is 9 pm. She just took Rapunzel's frock off and now she realizes Rapunzel is wearing an "undergarment" Somehow she now thinks Rapunzel needs to go for a swim! I need to nip this in the butt before I have a huge huge mess! Keep your eye out for our feline!!!