F 22 why can't I throw an F22 code!

Okay... So most of you know that I am a control freak. In the car I DRIVE. In the kitchen I LIKE TO COOK MY FOOD. I take the kids to school so I know they are SAFE. These are my flaws I am an open control freak. So today I am not in control and I can't stand it. Sheridan has the GI flu. She is, as is any kid with the flu, a ticking time bomb. I have no idea when she is going to go off. I follow her everywhere with a bucket pleading with her to sit in my lap at all times so that mommy doesn't have to clean puke out of the carpet. It's days like this when god throws me a curve ball I realize how much control I actually don't have. Standing in the kitchen with her being held tall with my legs she is puking everywhere, the floor, herself, and me. I want to scream, throw in my Mom white flag, and run kicking and screaming out the front door. I want to throw the F22 code! The code that my whirlpool duet high efficiency washer throws when the door isn't tight, when the load is off, and so on!(I hate this washer that's why I put the model here so you don't make the same mistake) The same washer that threw this code with a load full of pukey clothes in it. I know now god is laughing at me. I know everyone is. I anxiously awaiting her next move. She is in bed, asleep, and looking like the sweet angel she is. Kills me to know that she isn't comfortable. I knew when I had kids that there are no breaks, there are no do overs, and that there is always the promise of a better day tomorrow. Now lets hope it was a fluke and tomorrow will be better! I am thankful for just flu bugs, icky noses, and coughs that go uncovered. I am thankful my kids are healthy overall! I can take the little ickies, the pukes, and the extra snuggles as an everyday demand of being a mom!
Sheridan and Sawyer are my world. With them I found myself. The person that I searched for since high school graduation. I found the MOM in me! So control freak or not I am a mom first. A mom that will will love them through it all, good times and bad, and even the pukes! Now lets just hope these doorknob lickers cut me some slack until next flu season!
On a sad side note, I want to ask you for a favor, for thoughts, and for prayers. My sweet Uncle Dickie is in the hospital fighting a battle with throat cancer. He is uncomfortable and fighting off pneomia. The old Alison would have run with my emotions. I would have hit up a bag of chips, a drive thru, or a bottle of wine. I haven't done any. I cried myself to sleep last night and let my emotions roll. I can not change the things that are happening to him but I can control the way I react. So step one in weight loss conquered by not loosing control with food! I will win!

week 1

Week one workouts! I did it... I did it... I DID ITTTTTT! I struggled but I did it. My balance is horrible but it will improve. I only felt like I was going to barf once, thank gawd! I get up at 4:50 am in order to get there by 5:30 am! I feel so refreshed and get sooo much accomplished starting my day that early! Super pumped about that! We have been eating clean all week and I can not believe how good I feel! My kids are oblivious to it when it is fed to them in a smoothly! This morning I had a smoothly with spinach in it and sawyer ate it like it was a snickers! Sheridan shared a smoothly with me tonight and it had avocado, coconut milk, ice, and protein shake in it! SHE loved it!!! Eric is so supportive in everything I do. He asks a lot of questions or analyzes it to the point of annoying the hell out of me but I know he just wants me to do my best and get what will work for me! So I am blessed to have such a great man in my life! I feel like I have come so far in only five days... Last Sunday we were at Ikea and I was soooo afraid I would run into someone I knew feeling such shame in my outer appearance that day. I walked behind a cart, hiding as much as I could, and not able to enjoy myself at all. So this week was so uplifting. The best part is I am doing it with my great friend Pam. So I have a partner in crime. We are there for different reasons but we are there, together. I told Eric we are going to plan our honeymoon. Five years late but we are going. I want so much to get in shape and be able to be in photos. Have I told you that I rarely have my picture taken with my kids because of my shame.. How terrible is that? And if there is one and it is not flattering I delete it. So I can't wait to start taking more pictures and excepting who I am as I continue on this journey.
We are still waiting for B to come home. Wondering where he is tears me up. My mom said that he is more than likely at the house he went to and the girl told me she really wanted a cat and is sooo loved. So I will go with that thought for now. My nights are extremely lonely after I put the babes to bed and Eric slips out the door to work. But another pet just isn't in the cards right now.
I am so exhausted right now I am going to start drooling on myself if I don't get to bed soon! The words of encouragement, visits to the salon, and phone calls have been amazing I appreciate you all so very much! I received an encouraging email from a friend and she left me with this saying. "I am Loved" As I contemplate eating something that I shouldn't I remind myself that I am loved more than I love that food! It has worked so well for me.... I think I am on my way to getting rid of this inner fat kid syndrome and on my way to smaller pant sizes and healthier choices for me first and for everyone else second. I AM LOVED!

Fat girl 101

Okay so last night I did something I never thought that I would do or that I never wanted to do. I stood in only a sports bra and shorts and had my photo taken. Front, back, and side! The whole damn hot mess of me was photographed. There I stood at the mercy of reality. Wondering how I got this far. How every pound added up and where will I go from here. When Shelly showed me the photos it dawned on me "OH my gawd I look like a contestant on the biggest loser!!!" Don't think omg Alison you did not because I did and when I get further in this journey and I have new pictures to compare I will prove you wrong!
These are the things I miss about being in shape and in control. 1. The ability to do a somersault, silly to some but when Sheridan asked me to do one and I struggled I was so ashamed. 2. Be able to feel true hunger , this has not happened to me since being pregnant with Sawyer maybe even before. 3.I want to control the food that I put in front of myself and my family instead of the food controlling ME!
This is a journey. I have struggled with my weight for 10 years now and I think how did I loose such control for almost ten years. I can tell you this. I know Stress triggers every opportunity for me to hit a drivethru, put mayo on a sandwich, and eat to the bottom of the bag! 9 years ago my best friend in the entire world died. I live with such guilt because 10 minutes before she died she called me, I was vacuuming, I looked at my cell and hit ignore. She was killed 10 f!#$%^ minutes later! What if I would have picked up? how would things be different if I answered. I can not explain the guilt that I carry with me. So this is where my battle with the bulge begins. Fist after fist I eat away my feelings but now I am taking control. Learning that if it is all true meaning God, it would have been her time irregardless of whether I picked up that phone. Every time I have a new stresser pop up in life(which I know I will often) I need to redirect how to deal with impulses.
So tomorrow is my first workout. I am scared, excited, and panicked. What if I have I am the worst, what if I fall, heaven forbid what if I loose control and fluff? OH sweet jesus! Let the games begin!
On a side note! Our cat disappeared. I am sad! So sad for my kids, sad for my dog, and of course I am so sad for meeee! Why is that the girl who couldn't stand cats falls head over heals with this cat! Alright Sheridan is up and it is 9 pm. She just took Rapunzel's frock off and now she realizes Rapunzel is wearing an "undergarment" Somehow she now thinks Rapunzel needs to go for a swim! I need to nip this in the butt before I have a huge huge mess! Keep your eye out for our feline!!!