Well, the title says it all. I am going to share a story of my life, my education experience, and my struggles as an adult with Attention Deficit Disorder. It isn't going to pretty folks, I have struggled for far to long and I am finally hitting the nail on the head and taking control of this one "minor" problem that seems to control my life every second of every day~
From the beginning, I knew I was different. In kindergarten I had an aid assigned to me, her name was Mrs. Kiebler! First time I met her she said "Well Miss Alison, my name is Mrs. Kielber (you know like the cookie, she whispers in my ear)and Mrs. Garret wants me to help you out during class!" She made me feel special and she helped me stay focused. Throughout elementary school, I had amazing teachers and some awful ones. Some worked with me above and beyond never making me feel inadequate or less intelligent next to the smartest kid in the class. I plan on writing some of these teachers that helped shape me a thank you card someday as I travel this journey learning to appreciate who I am! I am going to be brutal now. I have dreamed of writing the teachers who worked against me and not with me for years. I remember getting sent to the office for "day dreaming" and dilly dallying by one particular teacher. She stopped in the middle of her lesson, forcibly took me by the arm and led me to the hallway. This is where she proceeded to yell at the top of her lungs telling me that "it's kids like you who make me not want to get up and teach everyday because you don't 'appreciate' what I do for you!" I wanted to crawl in a hole and sob. As she did this other classrooms walked by, teachers came in the hallway to shut their doors, and I will never forget the janitor walking by and giving me that "it's okay kid" half smile. This is the same teacher I went to when my group of friends decided they didn't want to be my friends anymore. I was devastated. I needed someone to confide in, I needed someone to help make me make sense of it, someone who would make me feel safe. I thought she would be that person for me. She wasn't. She wasn't at all. I began crying, telling her what my story was.... I will never forget her response. It was earth shattering to my 5th grade body core. I carried it with me all these years until Monday when I met with a counselor who specializes in working with individuals with severe ADD. She told me that she didn't blame the other girls for not wanting to be my friend, that I talked like a baby, and I tried to hard to please them. She went on to tell me that she wasn't there to referee fights amongst little girls she was there to educate us. From that moment on, I stayed away from her. I remember trying not to make eye contact with her, avoiding her in the hallways at all cost, and never raising my hand to ask for help. On Monday, I cried for that 5th grade girl and I can honestly say I let the emotions from that 9 months of my life flow. But I am walking forward and will no longer focus on what and how some of these teachers made me feel for far to long. ADD was something new in the 80's. The idea of giving your child a medication to help them focus seemed like a fad. I respect my parents for not wanting to medicate me out of fear that it would change my personality. They loved and embraced me for who I was. Home with them was where I felt safe, where I could chatter nonstop for hours, and where my "passions" were embraced, encouraged, and excepted. Now fast forward to junior high. I was terrified. Getting to multiple classes in one day in a three minute rush to the finish line. These are the years that I encountered teachers who embraced me and made a difference in my life and education. Of course there were teachers that didn't but I can't remember them by name or specific incidents. But I do remember the times in Mr. Rauens math class when I would start to doodle, space out, or sit for an entire hour working on a worksheet and only finish one problem. He didn't beat me up emotionally, he would walk by my desk tap his finger on my notepad and say "you can do this Alison..," then I would start over again. He did this multiple times during a class and everyday when I walked out he would say something positive to me. I don't know if he knows how much he was building me up each day but I always think of him as "saving me!" There were others, Mrs. Poterucha my music teacher who knew I couldn't read music and would work with me with such patience over and over because she knew how much it meant to my mom that I was given this opportunity. Mr. Bollman who not only helped me in the classroom but in the hallway. His voice carried like only a fathers does. I always felt like I was the smartest person in the world in his classroom because it was interesting and he was encouraging. Listening to every drawn out debate I had to offer and an arm around my shoulder in the hallway letting me know that he supports me even without saying it. Mrs.Kohner who would throw my name out in the middle of a lesson in a way that I swore no one else noticed when I tuned out at all and for always offering to let me "catch back up" before or after class. Mrs. Berg and Mrs. Arel who taught classes that interested me because they were so hands on and who were always willing to redirect me in tasks that seemed so simple for others. Mrs. Lunde who always hugged me made me feeeeel like everyone else and for letting me come in her office just to talk ... There are other teachers, aids, and a school nurse that tolerated me beyond words. Candy Finley, our school nurse, knew that I felt safe in her nurses office. Sometimes all I needed was 10 minutes to collect myself , relax, and return to the halls.
I graduated in 1997 only making the "B" honor roll once. But never made to feel by my family that I wasn't smart. I went on to college where I "succeeded" by graduating in four years with a degree in corrections and sociology. Kim Greer, was my advisor in college but secretly I think there was a little divine intervention when we were connected. She met with me daily, sometimes multiple times a day. To chat, to cry, to express how overwhelmed I felt, or to encourage me to keep going.
I always told her I would be a hair stylist and someday own a coffee shop... She always laughed and said "Oh Alison......" and look at me now!
I struggled as a caseworker. Meeting deadlines, handing in paperwork, and keeping my own schedule. These characteristics of my personality cost me that job. That day felt like the worst day of my life but what I learned that day when I got home and broke down in front of my mom and my sister that it was the best day of my life after all. My mom and sister encouraged me to follow my dreams by becoming a hairdresser. Couple weeks later I received the letter that I was to start school in 3 months.
The next 8 years couldn't have been better!!! I moved back to Rochester, started working at r!ah, met my husband, and had 2 amazing children.
I still struggled. My job is absolutely perfect for me because it is structured but my ability to follow through at home was becoming more and more chaotic. When you have ADD you have an almost 99% guaranteed chance of suffering from anxiety as well. On an average day for me living with ADD I would do the following. Walk into my daughters room with the goal of moving out clothes that no longer fit and two hours later I would have not only destroyed Sheridans room goin through all of her clothes and toys, I would then walk away and do the same in Sawyers room without finishing anything up. Aarah and Eric have nicknamed me the tornado and this is the only way to describe how I could spend 6 hours destroying and not putting back together a "project!"
Four months ago, I approached my Dr. for help and I can honestly say she saved me... I started taking a combination of two different kinds of meds. One for anxiety and one for my ADD. Together they are helping me be a better mom, a wife, a hairdresser, a friend, a daughter and have made me feel like I am balanced.... finally balanced.
I have learned that my impulsiveness to spend money, over commit myself to others, and my inability to follow through with everyday tasks doesn't make me an awful person but a person that needs adderal to help me focus, find my way through the day, and do everyday tasks....
I wrote this for myself and for anyone else that lives with this struggles each day.. know that you are not alone..
