Doctors appointment went well...

So I didn't sleep much last night in anticipation of today but everything turned out to be okay.  The mass is scar tissue that attached to an infection that I have had since last August.  August 6th (my dads birthday!) to be exact.  I had the worst case of mastitis ever!  I was so sick I went into the ER and by the time I left I could hardly walk the Dr. told me he wanted to admit me and do IV antibiotics and I pleaded with him to let me go home to my kids.....  He reluctantly agreed and I  Came home shivered and shook for hours took a weeks worth of antibiotics and called it a done deal.  Well so I thought.  Today I found out that the infection is still present and is slowly leaving its mark as it leaves my body. So, me being sooooooooo tired and sick feeling all the time for the last 11 months is now directly related to this infection that has been attacking my system.  The mass is something that will be present and will continue to grow as the infection heals and forms more scar tissue.  It is suggested that I do mammograms once a year now to confirm that the mass stays scar tissue.
Today I will start a round of one month oral antibiotics taken twice a day and then more testing at the end of the month! Praise god for scar tissue and an infection that will be so easily treated simply with more time. Thank you all for your support, kind words, and for listening. Every month I do self breast exams and felt this mass forming over time but didn't take the time to deal with it like I should have.  Self breast exams are something that we as women and as men should do monthly to ensure our "breast" health.  If you do them don't ignore any signs like I did.  Denial isn't the way to go..

Thanks again for all of you... You all mean so much to myself and my family.  Facebook isn't just a social network it's connecting with old friends that offer a support system and a link into each others lives that bring me so much joy!

Blessings!
Alison

Boobs... why do they cause so much drauma..

For years I've hated my boobs. Well since I put on weight I have hated them.  Back in the day when I was skinny I loved them in fact they were one of my best attributes.  They buckle me over, give me killer back pain, and have pushed me to the point of $60 bras that have caused me to suffer great harassment from my co-workers for wearing old lady over the shoulder boulder holders.
But then there is the upside... they have provided nourishment for first year of each of my children's lives. How cool is that? I was the only thing sustaining my children's brain development, eye development, and over all growth allll from my body.  I spent hours upon hours with breast exposed either nursing or pumping almost to the point of craving to have my independence and body back! BUT I loved being blessed with giving my kids something only I could give them...
Three weeks ago my love hate relationship with my boobs threw me into a ruckus.  I found a lump... At first I thought "Oh, never felt that before.. hmmmm must be a clogged duct leftover from nursing.. Ohhhh wait that must have been from my nasty mastitis infection."  So I walked around ignoring it. Pretending it wasn't there.  Then, I found it again.  Only this time it felt different.  And to be honest I was starting to have pain.  A pain that radiates throughout my entire breast.  Yet I pushed it aside thinking it will go away. Another week passed and now it is waking me up at night the pain and the worry.  So I call to make an appointment.  My regular Dr. can't see me so they scramble to find someone that can.  "Ok Mrs. Smith we can get you in today at 4:20!" The receptionist was enthused to find me a spot... I then say "well, ugh 4:20 hmmmm Sawyer will be waking up and we were supposed to meet some friends at the pool can I call you back?" A tiny annoyed voice pops up on the other end of the phone "Mrs. Smith, I think you should take the 4:20!" OK OK OK I will come in!
Long story short... They have found a mass.  I wasn't going to share this with anyone other than family and my close friends. But I think I need to give that push to all my friends that I needed to listen to my body. Being a mom I will drop anything for my kids but with that said I had a hard time scheduling my mamo during Sheridans swimming lessons.  LIKE god forbid if I found time for myself.
So tomorrow I go in. My girlfriend is coming to watch my kids and my other girlfriend is taking Sheridan to swimming lessons. I am giving up control, ugh I hate giving up control. (Thanks so Sue and Leslie for watching my babes!)
So pray, pray, pray for scar tissue... god help me let it be scar tissue.. but with that said I am hitting this head on and encourage you all to love your breasts and do self breast exams... It may save your life.
Blessings to you all.. hold me tomorrow Tuesday at 9 am.. this is all I ask...

I fell off the wagon

Three weeks ago the madness began... My kids became sooo sick! Vomiting, the big D, and ear infections. OH MY! Eric and I were thrilled when they decided to share with us! Sooo needless to say I went from working out 3-4 times a week to nothing the last three weeks... My body is craving it, missing it, and needing to get back into it. But let me tell you something. I caved. I fell. I did the unthinkable. I broke into the stash of easter candy(MY KIDS EASTER CANDY) and robbed the stash. I feel gross. SOO gross! But tomorrow is a new day and we will conquer this again!
I tooook my almost 4 year old and 18 month old into the dollar store this evening... Biggest mistake ever. I think they should have a warning on the door. NOT to take children under 3.5 feet tall in this store. We sell only crap and it is the most enticing crap that your children will ever see! OMG as soon as we hit the door Sawyer begins screaming "BAWWWOOONS BAAWWWOONS!" Then immediately Sheridan starts propelling s@$! in my cart! We went into the store for one item. A & D ointment and somehow we left with 13 items. Spiderman pens the size of baseball bats, butterfly wings, balls, egg die kits, bunny ears, balloons, and yes A&D ointment. The one thing we went for. The dollar store is the smallest store I think I shop in now a days and I have never had to redirect my children so many times. No put it away, no we don't need that, oh thank you Sheridan but we already have that! We left arms full of bags, a baby on my hip, and two balloon strings in my teeth. As we pull out of the parking lot Sheridan says "Thanks so much for taking us in there mom, Thatttttttttt was a treat!"
The tulips are blossoming, my children are growing in front of my eyes daily, and summer is almost here! Bring on the 80 degrees days, sprinklers, and the sunshine!

F 22 why can't I throw an F22 code!

Okay... So most of you know that I am a control freak. In the car I DRIVE. In the kitchen I LIKE TO COOK MY FOOD. I take the kids to school so I know they are SAFE. These are my flaws I am an open control freak. So today I am not in control and I can't stand it. Sheridan has the GI flu. She is, as is any kid with the flu, a ticking time bomb. I have no idea when she is going to go off. I follow her everywhere with a bucket pleading with her to sit in my lap at all times so that mommy doesn't have to clean puke out of the carpet. It's days like this when god throws me a curve ball I realize how much control I actually don't have. Standing in the kitchen with her being held tall with my legs she is puking everywhere, the floor, herself, and me. I want to scream, throw in my Mom white flag, and run kicking and screaming out the front door. I want to throw the F22 code! The code that my whirlpool duet high efficiency washer throws when the door isn't tight, when the load is off, and so on!(I hate this washer that's why I put the model here so you don't make the same mistake) The same washer that threw this code with a load full of pukey clothes in it. I know now god is laughing at me. I know everyone is. I anxiously awaiting her next move. She is in bed, asleep, and looking like the sweet angel she is. Kills me to know that she isn't comfortable. I knew when I had kids that there are no breaks, there are no do overs, and that there is always the promise of a better day tomorrow. Now lets hope it was a fluke and tomorrow will be better! I am thankful for just flu bugs, icky noses, and coughs that go uncovered. I am thankful my kids are healthy overall! I can take the little ickies, the pukes, and the extra snuggles as an everyday demand of being a mom!
Sheridan and Sawyer are my world. With them I found myself. The person that I searched for since high school graduation. I found the MOM in me! So control freak or not I am a mom first. A mom that will will love them through it all, good times and bad, and even the pukes! Now lets just hope these doorknob lickers cut me some slack until next flu season!
On a sad side note, I want to ask you for a favor, for thoughts, and for prayers. My sweet Uncle Dickie is in the hospital fighting a battle with throat cancer. He is uncomfortable and fighting off pneomia. The old Alison would have run with my emotions. I would have hit up a bag of chips, a drive thru, or a bottle of wine. I haven't done any. I cried myself to sleep last night and let my emotions roll. I can not change the things that are happening to him but I can control the way I react. So step one in weight loss conquered by not loosing control with food! I will win!

week 1

Week one workouts! I did it... I did it... I DID ITTTTTT! I struggled but I did it. My balance is horrible but it will improve. I only felt like I was going to barf once, thank gawd! I get up at 4:50 am in order to get there by 5:30 am! I feel so refreshed and get sooo much accomplished starting my day that early! Super pumped about that! We have been eating clean all week and I can not believe how good I feel! My kids are oblivious to it when it is fed to them in a smoothly! This morning I had a smoothly with spinach in it and sawyer ate it like it was a snickers! Sheridan shared a smoothly with me tonight and it had avocado, coconut milk, ice, and protein shake in it! SHE loved it!!! Eric is so supportive in everything I do. He asks a lot of questions or analyzes it to the point of annoying the hell out of me but I know he just wants me to do my best and get what will work for me! So I am blessed to have such a great man in my life! I feel like I have come so far in only five days... Last Sunday we were at Ikea and I was soooo afraid I would run into someone I knew feeling such shame in my outer appearance that day. I walked behind a cart, hiding as much as I could, and not able to enjoy myself at all. So this week was so uplifting. The best part is I am doing it with my great friend Pam. So I have a partner in crime. We are there for different reasons but we are there, together. I told Eric we are going to plan our honeymoon. Five years late but we are going. I want so much to get in shape and be able to be in photos. Have I told you that I rarely have my picture taken with my kids because of my shame.. How terrible is that? And if there is one and it is not flattering I delete it. So I can't wait to start taking more pictures and excepting who I am as I continue on this journey.
We are still waiting for B to come home. Wondering where he is tears me up. My mom said that he is more than likely at the house he went to and the girl told me she really wanted a cat and is sooo loved. So I will go with that thought for now. My nights are extremely lonely after I put the babes to bed and Eric slips out the door to work. But another pet just isn't in the cards right now.
I am so exhausted right now I am going to start drooling on myself if I don't get to bed soon! The words of encouragement, visits to the salon, and phone calls have been amazing I appreciate you all so very much! I received an encouraging email from a friend and she left me with this saying. "I am Loved" As I contemplate eating something that I shouldn't I remind myself that I am loved more than I love that food! It has worked so well for me.... I think I am on my way to getting rid of this inner fat kid syndrome and on my way to smaller pant sizes and healthier choices for me first and for everyone else second. I AM LOVED!

Fat girl 101

Okay so last night I did something I never thought that I would do or that I never wanted to do. I stood in only a sports bra and shorts and had my photo taken. Front, back, and side! The whole damn hot mess of me was photographed. There I stood at the mercy of reality. Wondering how I got this far. How every pound added up and where will I go from here. When Shelly showed me the photos it dawned on me "OH my gawd I look like a contestant on the biggest loser!!!" Don't think omg Alison you did not because I did and when I get further in this journey and I have new pictures to compare I will prove you wrong!
These are the things I miss about being in shape and in control. 1. The ability to do a somersault, silly to some but when Sheridan asked me to do one and I struggled I was so ashamed. 2. Be able to feel true hunger , this has not happened to me since being pregnant with Sawyer maybe even before. 3.I want to control the food that I put in front of myself and my family instead of the food controlling ME!
This is a journey. I have struggled with my weight for 10 years now and I think how did I loose such control for almost ten years. I can tell you this. I know Stress triggers every opportunity for me to hit a drivethru, put mayo on a sandwich, and eat to the bottom of the bag! 9 years ago my best friend in the entire world died. I live with such guilt because 10 minutes before she died she called me, I was vacuuming, I looked at my cell and hit ignore. She was killed 10 f!#$%^ minutes later! What if I would have picked up? how would things be different if I answered. I can not explain the guilt that I carry with me. So this is where my battle with the bulge begins. Fist after fist I eat away my feelings but now I am taking control. Learning that if it is all true meaning God, it would have been her time irregardless of whether I picked up that phone. Every time I have a new stresser pop up in life(which I know I will often) I need to redirect how to deal with impulses.
So tomorrow is my first workout. I am scared, excited, and panicked. What if I have I am the worst, what if I fall, heaven forbid what if I loose control and fluff? OH sweet jesus! Let the games begin!
On a side note! Our cat disappeared. I am sad! So sad for my kids, sad for my dog, and of course I am so sad for meeee! Why is that the girl who couldn't stand cats falls head over heals with this cat! Alright Sheridan is up and it is 9 pm. She just took Rapunzel's frock off and now she realizes Rapunzel is wearing an "undergarment" Somehow she now thinks Rapunzel needs to go for a swim! I need to nip this in the butt before I have a huge huge mess! Keep your eye out for our feline!!!

Tis the season~!

Well, we survived! Most importantly, no one was vomiting! The last two out of three years
Sheridan has been sick. Not Just sick I mean vomiting, ER visits, and none stop worry. This year was a blissful breeze. Eric and I were sick with colds thank the lord my kids were healthy as horses!
Of course they were spoiled above and beyond. But Sheridan learned an important lesson. YOU don't always get what you ask for. These were her three requests from Santa. Pinkie Pie & Rarity(my little ponies) and a golden trumpet! When she asked Santa for a golden trumpet I nearly had a stroke. I mean really a golden trumpet? I asked her does it have to be golden? and this is her response... "MOM I just really need a golden trumpet so I can blow it like this do do dooo da dooooooo!" I couldn't believe she would think of this... I mean where did she hear of a golden trumpet? and seriously Santa you can't tell a child you will bring them everything they ask for especially when it is 4 days before Christmas and mom is done shopping! So I frantically ran around Rochester looking for a golden trumpet! With each let down at another store I started to envision knocking out another one of Santa's teeth! That is when it hit me! SANTA DOESN'T HAVE TO BRING EVERYTHING! Sweet sweet Jesus! Why didn't anyone pass along this information???!!!? So Xmas morning when the kids woke up to their gifts Sheridan noticed instantly that Santa did not bring her a golden trumpet so this is where my years of manipulating my parents kicked in. I had written Sheridan a note from Santa explaining that she in fact did not get a golden trumpet because she didn't work hard enough at eating her veggies! The look on her face was priceless! "But mom, he stamped my arm that I was on the nice list!" I said "I know toots but Santa wants you to try even harder to eat your veggies then maybe just maybe he will bring you a golden trumpet" So since that delightful morning she has eaten mash potato's, a shred of cauliflower, and today a carrot! We are making strides! They may be small ones but they are strides. Sawyer did well with he first holiday that he was awake! We gave him the little people barn and honestly he just wanted the box. He did OK through gift opening.. Got naked halfway through and was doing happy dance on every ones gifts that came in boxes but he truly enjoyed himself!
As the new year approaches we are excited to continue to watch our children grow. I will admit the baby itch has hit but I know in my heart that two is a good number and that my poor uterus would throw a fit if it had to house another child. I quite possibly have the most inhospitable uterus around and its strange because I love to throw parties! Who knows maybe I will convince Eric to let us get another dog.
I ask that you pray for Shannon O'Hara as she continues to fight for her life and battle against a tumor on her brain stem. For the family of the local Mayo clinic Dr. that was killed in the helicopter accident, and for our dear friends Paul and Jamie as Pauls mom continues to battle brain cancer... Sometimes our lives seem so complicated when really they are the most simple of them all... blessings to you all as you welcome 2012 and embrace all that is to come~